Psychiatric Nursing – The Handover

It was one of those little ironies of unit life that when you were desperate to leave, you often inadvertently locked the doors so that the relief staff couldn’t get in. I unlatched the door, apologised to the nurses on the step and led the way to the office for the hand over. The qualified nurse was something of a smart Alick, and I recalled once asking staff members why he practised limbo dancing so much.
“Oh, he’s not limbo dancing, it’s just his normal swagger” they replied.
“Hello, Alec” I said “You certainly look smart this evening.
“I not only look smart, I am smart” he smirked, utterly oblivious to my knight’s move attack.
He then announced that he’d finally discovered his true vocation, and when I enquired what this important work was, he said triumphantly:
“Sperm donor.”
“Well, you’re certainly a wanker” I observed. “So you should at least make a commercial success of it.”
Many years ago a casual psychometric test had soon disinterred his personality:
“Your favourite fruit?”
“Melons and bananas.”
“Favourite vegetable?”
“Favourite car?”
“Anything with a long bonnet.”
“Favourite song?”
“Ding Dong Merrily on High.”
In fact, he always entertained new female nursing assistants by demonstrating that he was taller lying on his back, than standing up (providing he had an erection).
This evening he was dressed in a loud multicoloured, large-lapelled suit, with matching oversized spectacles and permanent, insane grin. There was a rubber spider hanging from his male breast pocket and a phallic shaped water pistol sticking out of his half open flies.
“Don’t tell me. You’re either auditioning for the circus, or just trying to blend in.”
“You’re not far off. Actually, I’ve just been interviewed for a senior presenting role on Saturday night T.V”.
“Splendid. What fun you’ll have.”
“Yeah, it should be a fantastic laugh.”
“Saturday night fun. Fun, fun, fun, fun and more fun.”
“Toddlers falling over on video.”
“Ha ha.”
“Frighteningly untalented people convinced they can sing.”
“Ha ha ha.”
“Coloured balls going round and round in the machine”
“Ha ha ha ha.”
“Thick sweaty people arguing in a room.”
“Ha ha ha ha” we hooted, holding our sides.


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