Ticking the Boxes

“Buzzzzz” went the doorbell, interrupting my reverie.
“I’ve just come to check there aren’t any ligature points in the unit” said a yellow-coloured man with large identity badge worn medallion style on a gold chain.
“Okay, that’s fine” I said, feeling my own throat constrict a little.
“Excuse me a minute, I’ll have to answer the door again.”
“Okay boss, I’ll see you later.”
“I’ve just come to undertake an environmental risk assessment and option analysis” said a grey-coloured man with rheumy eyes, clipboard and sad moustache.
“Be my guest” I said.
“You’re not trying to bribe me are you?” he said hopefully.
“Not on my salary.”
“I’m just going for a dump” Sidney interjected, farting lustily.
“There’s no need – you’re already in one” I replied.
“Yes indeed” he agreed.
“Don’t you ever think about the great mysteries of life, Sid?” I said.
“What? You mean the possibility of life after death, Stonehenge and things like that?”
“Well, I already know there’s life after death – I work here, but I was thinking more of the great unsolved mysteries. Like why do we never see dustbin men rushing around emptying our bins in the afternoon? Why do we get nothing but junk mail on Monday and Saturday mornings? Why do people dig holes in the roads and then disappear for a month? Why do amateur athletes have to visit Fancy Dress Shops before entering televised marathons? Why are charity gurus often so rich?”
“And how does spending millions more on the Health Service lead to record levels of sickness and incapacity?” Sidney chipped in.
I watched him go to the bog, and wondered…….www.windowsofmadness.co.uk


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